This comes very handy when…
A) you have the need to hard-sell True Detective to a brimming with naivete 14 year old, beating you at being more knowledgeable in yaoi tropes, who has all the making of a very young you just a bit more bright, but in need of more proper ‘coaching’. All you Chinese literate BL fiends, some genius coined this as 真爱如探 off the official title of 真探(!!!) The rest of you, g translate 真爱, 如探. Thank me later.
Or B) you are having a Monday and have 8 hrs to spare scaring your entire office, hit by the notion rewatching TD with lots of giggling is the sure way of brightening the day.
The cutest CN fangirl of show has come up with the perfect Simple(SLASHYDumAsseS) Guide for True Detective catering specifically for that untouched bracket of rabid tween cutesy fluff loving fangirls this show has not yet got the love from, and since setting my eyes on the good read, I have me tears in my eyes and a hurting hernia.
I am just the messenger, trying my best to translate it authentically in the midst of all my laughingwhilecrying hysterics. It is not easy to type through tears and shaky hands in guffaws. Because I am full of love and is a big giving person.
This is what sakimay/’YellowGreenBanana’ posted at Douban in myEnglish.
Excuse the language. I swear I have never normally talked nor typed as such. Swear.
And Harmlessly, cutely SPOILERISH!
Ep1: My name is Mar-Ty. I am a de-tect-ive. I am special because I am obviously the good cop, that is in my own words: ‘regular type dude with a big-ass dick.’ I can feel it……I am going to investigate a very f up murder.
Fuuuccckk, this is out in fking no man’s land, and I have a new assist that is *swirling circles at head sign* cuckoo…wait. WTF? I am not the leading man?! This dude next to me who either won’t sound a hmm for 3 months then vomit deep gibberish nonstop for the next 3 is da man?! How in the muddyswamphell! Ain’t I the lead in this case? This drunk piece of work who never gets the hint to take a hike, leeching dinners off me…let me get this straight, W!T!F!
But his eyes are redden, and he brought me cheap grocery store flowers, and I forgive him.
EP2: He has the nose of a K9, he can see through all man’s weaknesses, is kickass awesome in following leads, oh, seeing me putting it this way…yes I like him. Hold on, are you beating around the bush I have the stench of a cheating husband?! Lets see if I would push you hard against a locker and…
…He hold both of my hands when apologizing, and I forgive him again.
EP3: I go for rides with Rust, we lunched banh mis, we peed together, and along the way we investigated, typical productive day at work. ……Wait up, why the f do you have to MoWMYLAWWNNN in a hawt!tighty white wifebeater when I am not around! (Especially when I am not around damnit! Those ARMS, must touch!) Are you the fking hunky plumber/electrician/handyman/gardener *coughmyHarlequinkinkcough*?! Looks like I have to introduce him a girlfriend so as to keep my family unit stable, just the thought of him fapping at home to episodes of Law and Order SVU is too…
But his dancing is OMFG!adorkable, and I forgive him yet again.
EP4: *sobz* Mistress with the most amazing rack spilled it all out (not the rack, oh wait…she did too)*sobsobsobz* I am kicked out of mi casa.*SOBZ* And Wife is not sweetloving me no more *SOBSOBSOBZ* But Rust fetches me to our bar then his casa *sniffles* Yet the SOB does not even comfort me one bit, nor want to hear me whine. *pouts* Why am I naturally smoking his cig indirectly smooching him and drinking his wine from his glass. I also do not know why the morning after I wake up in my tee scratching my junk drinking coffee all veryfking domestic homesweethome.
But he got a folding lawn chair just like his own, all special and precious for me, and I forgive him. Again.
EP5: I have not seen him for 10 years yet I remember every exact lying words, every! I am suddenly a Fking Genius! After the incident of saving children, my lower back is no longer hurting, legs are not varicose and sore, wifey is back, and career is shooting at the stars. It is a fking wonderful life/time!….sheeit, why is my daughter suddenly grown? What is the cottage cheese on my waist? Love handles?! Where is the fuzz on my head?!?! Hold on, why is Rusty the prick still this fking BAMF!HAWT!?! THIS! IS! NO! FAIR!
But he lied through his fine ass for me, without even a word of doubt. For me. And I can only forgive him.
EP6: THIS B*TCH! Why is he not inviting me to play with him in his yard and is investigating murder behind my back! Slept my WIFEY! !#$%^%&$^!#%!!! Although I love myself some crazy wild b%ch but that is when I am off my turf…wait…on the kinks of crazy, wild and b&tch, seems like there is one champ in each and all of the above right besides me…
And that is why when I hit him I did not bear my arms, my handcuffs, my ring, and all things that would really hurt, that is how much love there is in me.
EP7: Real Show Commences (eh?!)
Can a divorced me save an old forever alone you?! Thank you for tuning in for The True Detective SP and to quote poetry: 是非成败转头空，青山依旧在，几度夕阳红。Success or failure, at a head’s swirl… gone, Yet still the green bayous firmly stay, And the setting sun glows as each day moves on…
with or without you~! I can’t live! WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!!! And how in the devil’s nests does this old fox stay so fking B!A!M!F!?
But he comes to me, and blocks my path, right in front of my face, and atvm our faces were a few cms away… Rearlights shattered, by me, still flickering and he buys me beer, no, tells me I should buy him some instead, at our favorite bar, in the middle of the day, and I forgive (and love) him.
EP8: Even though it hurts the dickens to be axed, I am the good big state hero, again. Wait up, why are you, myB!A!M!F! CRYING?! I have never seen this ever before! How the voodoo am I suppose to coo you?!?! Wait… I can coodle you so! I got it! New Skill Acquired x1! From now on for better or worse, through sickness and in health, we gaze the stars, Goodnight the Moon, wax poems and talk about LIFEgoals!
He is still the most annoying SOB wordwhore of a Nietzsche *Marty notes: word is pronounced as Na-Zi*, and I love him.
Rust Cohle Sentience of the T. D. existence in a flat circle:
EP1: I have BAMFkingly arrived, bringing my BAMFking nihilistic atheist negativity, I BAMFkingly smoke, as I down my 6 packs of Lone STAR.
Skill Acquired: 女王の耳光 (B%tchslapping fatso of ungodly language
like a proper Southern Lady should) like a mofo x1
EP2: Cop!Me beating the living light out of the good old regular SwampFolks. I do as I CAN.
Skill Acquired: Hitting children like a mofo x1
EP3: Interrogator from deep down hell, polluting minds, keeping numb about my bro/boo’s sinful affairs. I am such a BAMF, come fking hit me.
Skill Acquired: manufacturing beer can figurines with a STAR head like a mofo. x1
EP4: I am gangster, I am mole in the deep. I slam your head through the stain-glass window. My words are the bullets comin at y’all. My body, haz bullets and needles flown. Rusty Cohle can survive it all. Alright, alright, alright, easy on the fangirlsqueal…I know how Chuck Norris I fly.
Skill Acquired: sashaying coquettishly cool like a RustCohle through a gangster’s paradise x1
Ep5: Not the first time I wiped Marty’s ass for him. Not worth a fuss over only 2 counts.
Of course I’m dangerous. I’m police. I can do terrible things to people with impunity. comme ci comme ça. *shrugs*
Skill Acquired: trippy psychospheric storytelling like the king of mofo x1
EP6: *cries* I am raped by your… I am not gonna play with you no more! Kthxbye! I will not forget you Marty! *Look at my rear light!*
Skill Acquired: 神の中指 (middle fingering like the Adonis of mofo) x1
EP7: Old is gold, even when partner has only wised up a very tiny little, his body filling up a whole extra size, but overall he is still the obvious good straight mosteasilycooeddowndarkalleytolookovermyshoulderlittletyke who is again drinking my booze out of my liquer flask I handed him. Indirect kissu baby.
Skill Acquired: ProudBarkeepingMofo calling for help x1
ProudBarkeepingMofo patting on head x1
Smoking cigs to the music of Marty crying fcks x1
‘classing the place up’ as a big fat f off and I love you. x1
to the music of Angel of the Morning x1
EP8: Super Poor Sadface ME! I have no watched the television for 17 long years. I have been relentlessly wrestling with darkness every waking I do not sleep I dream moment, hobby I have spent my life in fear of fking up…what are you doing there stoned and dazzled. Give me a hand and take a walk with me…oh, are you here to propose for my hand? My Mar-Ty?
Skill Acquired: Tears of a StudlyHardNutMofo x1
Got the robinbluebox from MARTY x1
Cuddled x1 and forever more
Star-gazing with MARTY x1 every nite
Is LOVED by all
(Why yes, so what if I am here to f y’all. I am a Cohle of a cock. Come and hit me like a Marty!)
[ last but not least, spoiler: you get to see MM’s freshly golden-man-ed nikkid tushy]
I would never have thought the sweet ohm-ing melodic voice of Faye Wong and her song To Youth/致青春 fits any of this:
I am still cautiously looking forward to a S2 in this concept. Like many, I am not greedy, a straight gender reversal of the same story retold with a Meryl Streep/Cate Blanchett/Charlize Theron/Angelina Jolie/proof us wrong Halle Berry/ Kate Winslet/Jodie Foster/Eva Green/Marion Cotillard/Helen Mirren…… Ladies it is a short engagement, if anyone is smart and ballsy enough to persuade. PLEASE.