Discovery of Love 11

Hello, batshitcraycrayself, welcome back.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I giggled, I cried, mostly I smiled while tearing up, my heart feels like it is a gooey mess of bloated ramyun, which I am craving, easily the most disgusting thing.   I need someone to feed me rice with seaweed, too.  I want a smiling TH.

For a clean severance, TH is giving YR back his heart, his sweetest memories of them neatly in a box, his most sincere blessing of happiness in hope she can move on, not harboring anything for him, not even hate.   He has ruminated her every word, he will now stop burdening her involving her unwillingly entangled in his feelings, he will take care of his broken self with a broken heart alone.

YR can not open the box.  It is not hard to guess it must be their memento he has kept, so precious to him he could not rid.  It is also a piece of her, the only sweet memories in 5 years of her life she has tried to forget he has returned.   How can she not remember her first ravaging wound over a love gone, over memories so beautiful, so devastatingly painful?!   The shock of this man she has locked in her past to be forgotten, who never learned how to love, whom she had given her all loving in the past, has now shaken her soul with this unexpected, intense, genuine, most honorable love…of letting go, wishing her well.  Just touching the box flashes back his tearful farewell she can not even open her eyes to, reminiscing.

Her tears are falling, that she knows, why, she has not figured out, unable to process cognitively how raw her nerves are rattled and unable to calm.  It must be the guilt of not being an honest bff to Sol and JH, to which she apologizes, and they brush it off as her fault for bloating the ramyun.  It must be to grieve her Father’s death in front of them.

But when alone, she knows her tears are out of missing them, missing him, crying for him.   She does not trust herself opening her Pandora’s box and abandoning more control of her heart.  She feels every thump of the physical attraction caused by his proximity, aware of a fluttering of her heart, she could bounce it off with an aloofness all along, never allowing to reach her safely guarded scorned heart, fueled by the heartbreaking memories associated with him.  Now she is too aware she is losing control of her resolve… he and only he can calm her when she is breaking down.

He loves her so, he loves her more than when they were in love, she must be aware.  He said they should properly break up, not falling back in love, she must be repeating to herself.

He said they should properly break up, but breaking up is hard to do when she does not have the heart to destroy their memories knowing he has been treasuring them, keeping them alive.  He is properly breaking up with her because he loves her too much and has no right to, now she has NHJ by her side, he reminded her, overcoming his possessiveness, his obsession, and now sacrificing his own happiness and desires…he lets her go thinking she does not have any feelings for him.

When she broke up with him 5 years ago, she knew he would not turn back…he did not love her enough to savage the relationship.  She was able to stop loving him holding onto the hate perhaps.  Now with it dissipating, it feels nothing like relief, nor is she well and happy.  Not long ago she was able to be cold and mean to him, using HJ to trample all over his confession, now she is worried about him.  How can she live happily, all’s well, without him now?!  YR is too emotional to understand herself, just repeating to Sol and JH he wants to break up with her, again, 5 years later and tears flow out uncontrollably while her mind is numb and confused.

He drinks to numb, confiding in hyung and when he could not stand missing her, he would lurk at her workshop, staring at her from afar, seeing she is alright, every night, before he can go home.  Going home to something, a pair of engagement rings he has kept from her after giving every physical thing he has of her back.   He was going to propose, that trip he planned.

It must be the fear of he could instigate a fight, the physical fatigue of work stress, piling on the nerves perhaps that were his reasons to be more withdrawn, not able to chitchat, so nervous to make the ferry to their destination, the island they fell in love.  His plan was to ask for her hand in marriage and my heart breaks to a million pieces for TH.  It must be his pride not allowing him to take her back when she could so ‘easily’ break up with him over nothing much,  nothing he can understand,  when he has made up his mind she is the one.

The more I see of HJ interacting with AR, the less I am bothered by them, especially the doc.  He has been most straight forward with AR, he wants to pay it forward, be her daddy long legs, if her dream is to study abroad, he will help her out.

I don’t have any other reason, he stresses.

And I believe him being oblivious to what he has been stirring in AR, in YR.   He is a nice guy, he is staunchly upholding himself as the honorable good guy, who can lose his sensitivity chip towards YR which YR is aware of, and it is irrevocably tarnishing their romance.  He is paying a price …to repay a debt out of guilt towards AR, I can not beat him more.

Oh my precious OTP!!!! They latch on hearts without even sharing the screen.   With Sol and hyung as matchmaker…messengers they try very hard respecting the clean breakup but unable to control how much they care for each other.  TH can not stop himself asking hyung to ask Sol how YR is doing.  YR even puts a hand on Sol stopping her from ending the call on speaker as hyung is being obvious, feeding her how miserable TH is missing YR, visiting the workshop in secret every night.  Sol immediately asks if YR is aware, her BFFdar is very telling, reconfirming her irk.  YR still has feelings for TH.

That night, and many night thus, YR looks intently at the driveway for a few seconds before shaking it off.  Tonight it is her bf HJ picking her up for a dinner date of home cooked steak.

Life is seemingly back to normal.  HJ is happy and contented they cooked a great meal together. Life is good for HJ in the familiarity and how comfortable they are with each other…but that does not mean they would never get tired of each other and break up, YR pours a dose of pessimistic reality on her idealistic bf.  He catches on it must be from her past relationship.

YR refuses to admit the truth.  HJ still naively promises YR he will never change…YR forces a smile, not convinced.

^How can this be comfy for both of them?!

YR is less pacified to HJ’s blinding unrealistic pov in love as she used to be.  These are empty words to her…when she had heard and seen love expressed much more exquisitely, poignantly by TH’s every word and action that night.

His inhibition is at its lowest drunk, he texts her to see if she is ‘sleeping?’, and totally giving up on himself with the shame the morning after.  I love how cute and light this scene can be while we get every bit of angst and heartbreak of TH.

I also love we can see TH still keeping his ruthless shrewd boss front professionally, but a complete mess all other waking hours.  Someone as prideful a perfectionist as him could only allow one shameful act at a time, never showing everyone in his life how weak and miserable he is, that is only for hyung to know and babysit.

Like YR, no matter how her heart is aching, she still eats to survive. TH is still willing to eat with Hyung soo insanely adorable feeding him.

He said he regrets the drunk text, but not really, going agitated inside waiting for her to show any concern with a call, anything.  She is concerned, he is on her mind, making excuses for him being a horrible drunk and probably called her by mistake. He gets one…from HJ.  Now real regret and shame hits him,  he got YR in a sticky situation again.  He wants to bang his head to hurt it some more at the fridge.

It is quite telling YR is defensive with TH at her very frustrated bf, even pulling the excuse she had drunk call the wrong person before, namely KTH, whom she spent a night with at his place, by ‘mistake’ and they are past tthat, trusting each other, back to normal.  Touche YR, NHJ is obligated to pretend he is over the incident in the first place and not spiteful for the ‘sleeping?’ sms.  YR pokes HJ further bringing AR and the pro bono surgeries up, asking when HJ will be done with volunteering his service entirely, making it be known to him he has yet again to be forthright while preoccupying himself being petty and childish over an ‘innocent’ text.

This is their normal actually, when YR is cunning at her manipulation…just that NHJ has also lost the patience to cave in…gone is their spontaneity,  he does not want to kiss her, make up and admit fault, obliged to letting her slide.   They cover up the awkwardness by him suggesting a wkend trip, and YR reminding him he should hurry, he would be late.  All the bright color is gone from their snap.

He texted her one word:  sleeping?  She has a lot more to say to him from the bottom of her heart.  Did you drink last night?  I am fine.  I wish you are fine too. 

She typed out all the words, deleting every one of them, reminding herself they have broken up, she can not speak every word from her heart if it is blatantly telling she is thinking of him, missing him, caring about him.  Do not send these messages again.  She types this instead, addressing to him,  a warning to herself.  I am not sure if she hits send, this is not what she meant to say to him, but must, in order to make it easier on him, forgetting her.

IF he is asking me to live happily, shouldn’t he do the same? Why is he drinking?

He should do the same because that is what you want him to do, wishing him well, just like he is wishing you all the best…out of loving you.  That is, are you so concerned about him doing well, drinking too much because…you love him?  We all know the adage beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, and the same guy KTH is now alright, nice, considerate, responsible, has his act together, understands love, a worthy man for any woman to date. 

‘Is this the best?  Are you certain?’

-Tell him to date!  I am not the only woman in this world..’

But he is certain she is the best,  she is HYR.

Ahh it’s lovely how Sol is so delighted to see hyung, the coolest sweetheart she is.  I am sick of girls stringing guys who are brave enough to speak up their feelings just to be used and trampled over for some boosting of princessy ego.  Sol is not promising anything but acting accordingly to her honest sentiments:  He is one of her number12, a suitor, contender for her heart she may not feel like ever giving out, but she is so against manipulation and playing games, being a victim herself.  They are friends and she enjoys his company, truly being cool and very affectionately friendly with him.  She agrees enthusiastically to go along on a wkend company’s workshop.

Sol’s other Guy12 is driving them home when another Guy11…or 12 is waiting for her:

He won’t do!  A guy who hurts you once will hurt again.  Think this over carefully!

The guy brings along a cheap bouquet, apologizing for everything, from knowingly ignored her feelings towards him, reporting her to the police, for hurting her unknowingly.  He begs for a fresh start on the right foot this time after 10 years of a nice friendship which he takes it as getting to know his heart.

This is why Sol is almost unrealistically cool and too awesome.  I do not think she is completely over the guy, but she is not going to jump back to the hell he has given her either…she is exactly moving on, but not moved on yet.   She accepts the flowers, accepts his apology, she is not hiding how moved she is, so honest to herself and the guy there is no easy answer to what he is asking from her.

Shouldn’t you be ashamed of yourself not giving Sol a gift like the other 2 guys?!  lol.  I think it is a bit parading from Sol to nudge JH to up his game!

When JH asks her which of the 2 suitors she likes more, and mentally willing her to pick the third one, himself,  Sol tells him she needs more dates, 3, to get to know them better as friends before she can make the choice.  HJ hollers at her not to get on any dates…or else who would eat ramyun with him.

You need to step up!  ‘Lets eat ramyun together‘ is not exactly a love confession, let alone it is not romantic (but I bet Sol will be the special girl who thinks it could be).  If she can pretend to slap your hand with a precious flower from a guy she has been pining after for 10 years, there is TONNES of hope for you.

Our Alternaship (I insist) sets sail on the romantic getaway.  I have lost interest in all SJ scenes, horrible of me, but I just do not feel he has much chemistry with anyone.

This is yet another reason why Sol is AWESOME (and the line to marry her starts behind me).  Even though she hates TH, she says, she feels bad seeing him sulking so miserably.  She cares about him, as a fellow human being in pain, as the guy that is on YR’s mind she is worrying about, she is loving like that.   She shells out information YR is doing very well, on a date with NHJ atvm and urges TH should date someone else and forget about YR.  Pull yourself together!   *WHAT A SUNSHINE!!*  My gut as a fellow YR/TH anything shipper is also on the wavelength she is rubbing it in, trying to get TH overcomes by jealousy, being obsessed is less painful than letting go what you least want to, stewing your own heart within.

Ahhh I am on the SolJoon ship, Hyung you need to dial down your cute smiles and do not make Sol so lovely and excited to see you.

A little exercise is doing TH a lot of good, how we miss him smiling so gorgeously at the ‘lovebirds’ hyung and Sol.

I never doubt HJ loving YR, the way the camera indulges on YR’s face in lieu of HJ’s eyes is screaming the lens/the guy is smitten.

NHJ can not share his painful memories with YR as AR urges him he shouldwith people closest to him, that is what love is about too.   Under the picturesque canopy, he starts talking about 2 orphans at the Gunsan orphanage he visited like siblings, a boy 12 years old who was adopted instead of his 7 year old younger sister.  It was horrible of the boy, YR says, perhaps, but his life was dependent on it so she understands.   The possibility of YR thinking less of him, even if she understands must have spread fear in him.  He assumes she likes him because of his attributes, he is righteous and kind as she said, and a doctor he adds.  He stops telling his secret, insecure without the labels even when YR reassures.   NHJ thinks he loves her more, he calls her more, he visits her more, he says I love you first every time.  All his actions speak so, but YR just says she understands being the one who loves more and he gets cold feet, holding onto her hand possessively.

Sol bumps into YR over the sisterhood of sharing TP with stall neighbors in public restroom.  YR recognizes Sol’s ‘thank you~!’, Sol can tell she is HYR by the way she calls her name.  That, is our TeamBFF!   Sol blurbs out KTH is here immediately, pacating YR to ask her about TH, exactly the same as she handled KTH, knowing how much they suffering inside worrying about the other.  Sol tells YR she has told him YR is doing well, happily on a trip with Dr. Nam.  Relaying from director Yoon, TH is not, arriving at the office every morning stinking drunk.  YR is not used, Sol made TH suffer more.  Sol urges YR to see him knowing how much he is on her mind.

Sol is a YR/TH shipper, or shipping whomever is owning her BFF’s heart, along with Hyung.  Hmm should I read into it to abandon my SolJoon ship?!?!  The couple who ships together, stays together, you know?!

TH was able to smile, until he freezes, seeing them, dragged by Sol to join their games.  TH manages to nod at HJ out of courtesy, but he lowers his head, he does not miss YR stealing a perturbed glance at him for a split second.

he wants YR happy, but he would be lying he could stand it seeing her happy, as if nothing happened, with another guy…until the song plays.

YR’s face changes into shadows, myriad of emotions.  Frank to KTH, her face is telling she remembers it too vividly as well, a very sweet memory of their love so strong, that has changed.

In TH eyes, I wonder if he still sees that young pretty happier YR he loved 6 years ago.  YR is not looking the same as her old self now, still pretty but different, he has said, and he is drunk with just gazing at her face.

LORD HAVE MERCY ERIC Y U GETTING HOTTERRRRRRRRRRR?!?!

A song she used to love, 6 years ago, a song he used to dedicate to her over the radio, saying he loves her.  A song that made her want to see him even more, even when they talked on the phone, text all day during the 10 days they could not see each other.  All I think about all day is my girlfriend, KTH said through the radio host. I will make more money so she can start her workshop, her dream, KTH said.  I love you, HYR!  KTH said.

I love you, HYR!

It must be the bonfire…. smoke gets into their eyes.

She can remember all of it, her face i))s saying to him, the days we loved like so.  Their teary eyes met and shared this moment to=gether, just the two of them.  As time goes by, I will be able to forget you.  That is not true.  I am scared I am the person you want to erase.  Not true either.

He would bring her flowers for their anniversary, sneaking out of work just to see her, unable to control the urge to kiss her.  He was, he is better than she remembered, YR realizes.  They used to love each other so much, their eyes are emoting to each other, but now there is no going back, even when TH’s eye are brimming with tears, with all the longing the love, the obsession, possessing her gaze, this very moment, he said he has let go.

There is not a dramalover who can not watch Eric and YooMi staring out at us from the screen,  pouring all the loveliest emotions sparkling in their eyes for en entire drama, I swear.  If there is, I do not know you.
You can try moving past these gifs.




They were so happy.  It was one of many sweetest memories, painful to relive together.  It is their secret, with the bonfire in between them, their flame should’ve burnt out, never to be rekindled.

YR raises her hand to break the longing gaze, her face snaps back to the mask of normalHYR, almost identical to the YR in TH’s memory, answering the exact singer, album, song number, everyone but KTH knows what she is actually saying:  she remembers, too, but she will move on as of this is nothing, and be happy, if that is what will help him let go.

I wonder if Hyung is intentional, or are the questions penned by KTH, every question is a TH’s precious memory of YR.  Hyung is asking about the flower word of cherry tree, the wood she made their couple’s ring with: my one and only love.  YR face freezes for a moment in disbelief she has to continue her acting of faking she is all well and happy, making sure TH gets her message, she raises her hand more than enthusiastically, answering the question precisely.  This time, TH can not even look.  Her one and only love, was him, KTH, she said, with the ring to prove it, now hers to keep or discard. Hyung asks about the entwined tree next, the Forever Tree, he promised to take YR to.

For the third time, KTH gets it loud and clear HYR remembers as much as he does, all the fondest memories most precious to him, he thought he is the only one cherishing.  She remembers too, just as past memory she is pretending insignificant, once precious to her to still remember, but she can freely speak of to win store coupons.  YR is also hoping, in the fleeting moments she softens her face, can’t bear to witness him in so much pain over her when she can not stop looking at him, telling him she is wishing him well, too.

YR can not help but turns back to steal a look at TH, worrying about him, HJ in her arms.  They are talking about her, but her mind is on TH, she wants to tell him properly she remembers their fond memories too, they are also precious to her and most of all she wishes to tell TH to be happy himself, it breaks her heart seeing him in so much pain holding onto her, their memories.

PD ahjusshi says he likes Mom, but Mom is not interested in being in love anymore, she pities the hassle of having expectations, the mundane of getting excited, fighting, making up, yes life is too short but they still have time.  Yet I bet Mom is throwing out a quote she is penning for one of her dramas, ‘Happiness is short and misery is long.‘   haha WriterladyMom, is that why we can not get enough of the most angsty cryfest melos?!?! They are too old, to fall in love for something instantaneous, then suffering much longer because of giving into feelings.   Ahjusshi chases after her, what is there to lose at their age to give into feelings, to be happy.  He likes her, he knows she does not dislike him, that is good to go to live together.

♪Who cares, baby?  I think I wanna marry you~~!

I ship the assistant writer and PD!

Eric face is nothing like what I have seen of him, he looks different in this scene, reminding me of what Joseph Chang can do to me, always so good being a blank slate able to transform into the vessel of his characters, being so emotive doing inconspicuously little with his features yet manages to morph himself into any character.   Eric has never impressed me to be able to dial down his magnetism, his charms and not screaming at me I am watching Eric perfect in a role catering to him. I have underrated you, my gorgeous Actor-nim!

Throughout the episode, what is hitting me most hard, opening the floodgate is Eric’s voice, how hoarser it is this episode, I am assuming from all the gut-wrenching affecting crying, which is such a marvelous touch, intentional or unintentional, adding to what TH is going through.  TH disagrees with YR’s opinion on the power struggle in love, the one who loves with abandon has no regrets having done their best, giving their all and can move after.  Those, like him, who enjoyed receiving the love too much, are left with regrets and longing after the love is gone…unable to forget for life what he once had when he was ignorant to cherish, when he got too comfortable living with, not until it was lost did he realize he can not live without it.  The stronger person in love, the one with all the power over him in love is HYR…the person on front of him.

The woman he loves more than ever… he is letting go but she appears in front of him, blocking his walk.  He can only turn his back on her for her sake.

Can’t you take better care of yourself?

  TH lets out a sigh, how is that possible…ever?!

JYM is freaky.  She does not look like any cap of hers prior to this scene I had grabbed 11 episodes of and that builds a substantial gallery.   With her particular acting magic, she has quantify yearning into a physically face changing entity.

Do not lie to me you are doing well.  I know you are not.

TH, you said you wanted me to be happy.  I, wanted you to be happy too, TH. 

Why do you keep looking for me?  Just live your life well.  Why do you keep coming back to me?

For 5 years, she has worked so hard, tried her best with all her might to live well, without him.  And now, without warning, reason, control, he is back in her life and she can not get him out of her system. 人非草木.  He comes by her shop every night surreptitiously, just for a glimpse of her like a nightcap to know she is alright for another day, thinking he is not intruding, but she saw him missing her, trespassing into her heart.  He does not know she has started to yearn for him, staying in her shop till he shows up lurking, leaning on the closed door with the lights out waiting for him to lean on through the glass.

I ended up waiting for you.♪While swallowing my tears, I wait for you, I love you so~~!

Do you know how many times a day I look out the window? 

(Thinking of you, longing for you, waiting for you.  You, KTH. The one and only love.)

♪I am waiting for you again.

When it is a love that you are suffering in, a total mess barely functioning, seeing the one you love is suffering for you, hurts even more.  What is this but love?!

When he genuinely lets go, wishing you well and happy without him,  and you are stuck in an irreversible horrible doldrum of missing him, longing for him.  He has taken possession by letting go, you are the one obsessed, relentlessly waiting for him in shadows, lights out so he can not see how she is missing him too.  He has severed any ties with her, he has stopped seeing her yet controlling her emotions, tormenting her against her will… How is this not love!?!

A worried bf, waking up in the middle of the night missing his love by his side, looking frantically, seeing her crying hysterically like never before in front of a guy who should be insignificant to her, yet lingering his hand over her head…and he can only seethe in yet another strongest bout of jealousy and hurt and confusion, it is all love.

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8 thoughts on “Discovery of Love 11

  1. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Let’s feed each other you&me w rice & seaweed!!
    I watched ep12 live last night – no eng sub ….. *sob *sob* *heart wrench*….. need to reach that… chocolate… double dose… need happy things … KTH fightin!!! It need to get worst before your happy ending….

  2. ERIC has never been HOTTER!!!!!?!?!!! The sadist in me says I need depressed broken out-of-order Eric permanently!!

    I love ep 11! Absolutely adore it!! The way they were staring at each other intensely over the bonfire during their favourite song (YR’s hair was really perfect for that scene portraying a mature lady that has moved on from 5 yrs ago), the beautiful, befitting background music that accompanied YR’s answering of TH’s questions, each one slapping him in the face, and the last 6 mins…his contemplation on the strong and the weak while they slow-mo his walk (arghhh I am a goner!!!), YR’s heart-wrenching “I want you to be happy too” and seriously, the “Do you know how many times a day I look out the window?” prize question that she struggles to finish as she chokes on her tears, unable to control the avalanche of emotions as she breaks down from the relentless agonizing over their belated break-up, continuous torment from worrying about his condition, and the raw pain of witnessing him in forlorn heartbreak mode. The team know its value and the way its woven into ep 12 is proof. It never loses its captivating effect.

    I need ep 13 now!! I want more of Eric not even flinching when she sees HJ-YR because he is too numb from fighting his own self-declared war of wanting to let go, but cannot coolly do so lol maybe what I’m trying to say now is I like them zombie. hahaha

    1. I have never thought this pair can out-do end of 10 scene but they did. It is soooooo glorious! On paper, the three questions are quite cheesy and predictable actually, other than the exact song, we could have guessed there would be a Q on the rings, the entrined trees. Flashbacks we have seen before, and the more than perfect read of their characters, their emoting are key. It was yearning, it was reliving the sweetness in love, the bitterness of love gone, the excruciating pain of the breakup, all needing that containment of trying to let go… all on their faces in degrees. Yumi’s face even have the shock of it hitting her so hard, the trauma of witnessing his pain. They r too gd for words!

      I think the breakup is hitting YR extremely hard because TH is so in love with her, but she had moved on, now wandered back to him uncontrollably. She has to let go of him as well, and wish him well, but while she has HJ to attain a form of happiness, with TH, he can only be happy with her atvm, she knows too well. It was even easier 5 yrs ago because her conception of him was he did not love her enough, given up on her on their love, the neglect the hurt were so sharply painful it must’ve rid her of some suffering. This is not the case, she is on the verge of taking the fall because of his most beautiful breakup and life has to go on, she has to put up a normal front and keep this insane turmoil of emotions contained from HJ.

      1. Yes! they really outdid the end scene of 10!!!!

        Agreed with everything you said relating to YR! The gif of her at the bonfire under the kissing gif says a thousands words. That, I believe, was the most intense moment of the staring- fest! And their favourite song fit the moment so well~~ the song is being overindulged by me at this very moment!

  3. I watched 11 twice, back to back, because I was SO MOVED. Like I don’t even do that often with ANY show. You captured everything I thought and Yu Mi totally slayed it with her facial expressions. Eric of course, the longing needs no words.

    …And then I watched 12 tonight, just did. I… have nothing to say about the show. 12 just killed everything in me. I’ll just let you do all the talking and analyzing because goddamn, I’m so mad about 12 that in my opinion, feels like we’ve moved two steps only to move back three.

    1. Oh i am sure I was in your exact shoes after 12! I swore it was the first moment i do not get YR at all and i was stewing for hours over it… and suddenly i was hit by a notion: it is out of her determined not to repeat the past, not wanting to be TH in her relationship w HJ. I will rewatch it tomorrow, but if i think back to her action in her relationship, it casts a new light!

      11 is ridiculous. I will never regain my normal heartbeat just staring at Eric looking at Yumi. I hate to be a RL shipper, but i just saw one of their clips at presscon… i did not know he signed up because of Yumi and the script being amazing but mostly because of Yumi, delaying ShinHwa’s comeback!

    2. OMG me too! I’ve never really done that before! It was such a heartfelt episode before I knew it, I was re-watching it all over again, enjoying the same moments with probably even more elation the second time around!

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