Discovery of Love 12

An inner reflection resembling who YR used to be, naive and idealistic in love, the YR who has not had her heart irreversibly broken, had not been told the Santa Claus of romance:  it will last forever being so in love, never existed.   The YR who could do so much for her love for TH, disregarding her own pride and dignity, is the HJ who could love YR with all his might.

HJ said he trusted YR in his voiceover, he just did not know why.  According to NHJ, frantically calling her bff, rushing all over the grounds looking for her, seeing her a few feet from KTH immediately prompted him to be possessively jealous is his definition of him trusting her too much,  because any threat of losing YR is too much   He should have worded it as he wanted to trust YR so, when his trust in YR is in essence willing her to never put him in any unease, and betcha if he had seen them kissing…he could murder some guy called KTH.  In a way it would’ve been better for HJ though, there would be no suspicion, snapping HJ out of his obsession as YR was ‘better off’ breaking off with TH then, if he felt he is treated so unfairly, discontented inside in the lopsided romance with YR, when being so in love with a person loving you less…is toxic.   The perfect NHJ has no idea how twisted and threatening, almost ugly his face looks, not showing me concern over a slumped to the ground crying hysterically YR, but overcomes by his own insecurities, owned by his jealousy of KTH.   When you are so in love with another person and it is out of control, you get hypersensitive to any threat shaking the calm front you have painstakingly maintained, you can not tolerate even a ripple…and KTH has never been just a ripple.  We have to suspend the disbelief only YR saw what TH soulfully expressed with his eyes over the bonfire. At the least, KTH has always been a cocky, unnerving threat, someone NHJ can never be when YR is concerned.

…even though this is now the face of a man deflated, miserable in pain, in love.   What else can NHJ concoct seeing this face raw, brimming with emotion, in the vicinity of his gf?!  A guy who had put into threatening words he could have feelings for YR, why not, not because she has a bf NHJ, in NHJ’s face.

TH could not resist the urge to comfort a YR in distraught…a wavering YR, shaken, stirred in emotions by him.  A glimmer of hope darting in his tearful eyes escaped, but with NHJ interrupting, grabbing her in his arms possessively, so vulnerable, now fresh with the shock and frightening concern of the rift with her bf henceforth. TH can not bear any more harm, any more wringing of YR’s heart because of him.   He has done enough crushing on YR’s happiness all along.

And he goes on the fly fabricating they are having a very heated professional fallout by her not attending the workshop.  He is disappointed with YR being unprofessional, he is disappointed in her being too emotional…succumbing to having feelings for him, making it even harder for him to let go, and he can only cause her harm in her current relationship not letting go.   He is not worthy.  All he can do is try his best to ensure she has a smooth sailing with the guy she should hold onto now, NHJ.

YR is even more stunned feeling TH’s pain with the lie he has to say for her to look straight at TH, pulling a very good poker face when he is all messed up with misery inside, protecting her from the wrath of jealousy from NHJ.

The day that love comes into my heart…

TH actually sighs a relief he pulled through the act, easing the suspicion.   Wishing her well is how he loves her, through his every thought and action.

YR’s face is a face of a woman who is guilty as charged…but her bf is not charging her with anything.  He admits he is anxious and insecure just with her leaving his bed in the middle of the night, he is even trying to convince himself it is logical she bumped into KTH, they worked together, but…

…can you quit?

She can not, she can not even fess up anything. She can only say she is sorry, sorry she is not going to quit a very important job opportunity, hidden is her guilt she is having stirring feelings for KTH, sorry she has looked over her window at her workshop several times a day waiting for KTH, not the person who should be closest to her heart… but not.  All the things she is guilty of, she is sorry for but NHJ does not even have a clue before he lets her slide yet again.

He remembers her every word, her pauses, where she gets emotional, emotional because of her longing for him, waiting for him, worrying about him… where she grasps for a breath, a reprieve almost from the guilt she is telling a man she should never love again she is losing control…everything is crystal clear, imprinted in his mind, overwhelming, fascinating.   Seeing her in some form of the palpable pain he is in…overcome by feelings she lost control of, he can not drag HYR further, risking hurting her, making her wait for him, making her longing for him, making her worry about him.  The last thing she should do is have a care for him, they have broken up, properly broken up.

HYR is grateful, she wonders why HJ never digs to the bottom of her actions and tolerates her to an extreme every time she has clearly done something she is not proud of.

Because I love you more than you love me.

HJ is so afraid to lose her, so afraid if he expresses anguish, if he fights with her, if he does not let her win every time, they will break up.  HJ is confessing something he would never assume YR can understand, little did he know YR had those exact words describing herself in the most painful months with TH, something she can never come clean with HJ other than telling him she understands, too well. It is making her even more guilty to make him feel like HYR when she was in love with a neglecting KTH

I am sorry…I love you.

It is pity, it is unbearable to hurt him… it is moved by how much he genuinely loves her, the intensity she knows too well, that she has no choice but to love him the best she can…and that includes halting her uncontrollably wavering heart towards KTH.

Over ramyun next morning, Sol confronts TH about her strange calls from NHJ, it can only be him looking for YR somehow and Sol’s bff gut is telling her KTH is somehow involved.  She will only lift her biased hate towards TH if he discloses what happened last night.

He tells Sol they met while taking a stroll and…YR cried. Sol immediately accuses him he made YR cried, she must have seen too often in the years since their breakup it is ingrained.

I am in no position to make YR cry.

Not false, but she is still crying FOR you.  And that is also a reminder to self he should never make YR cry, not over having feelings for him.

TH lets Sol know the cover-up story:  NHJ saw YR crying, TH told him it is over work.  That is all.

Sol asks for the real deal.  TH take a pause, must be rewinding every word, every pause YR said.

I heard something…but I have forgotten.  If you are confronting YR, tell her that for me.

He does not want what YR said herself, opening her heart so vulnerable, so frustrated,  so honest, to bother her, that is what he can do, how KTH is loving HYR.

lol while Sol is ranting why the two of them can not live life simpler, like eating ramyun when hungry, going along the wants and desires… TH does not miss a beat Sol is eating out of hyung’s bowl  ( I like u hyung but u r out of the picture and i am a SolHoon shipper, ohmm!)

The lovebirds are leaving early, YR has work. It must be some same work TH mentioned they use to coverup,  the excuse.

HJ brushes it off as he called Sol because he missed her.  Sol takes the cue and let him be, let the couple carry on, as long as she has a peace of mind they are doing good.  That’s good enough.

But to make sure there is no funny KTH business, she makes it a point with TH, telling him YR and HJ are happily leaving.  It seems like Sol is rubbing his misery in, but her hand is reassuringly on his back, a pat of encouragement.  Sol knows too well how he still has so much presence in YR’s life all along, but she can see he is making effort at the expense of his misery, letting go of YR.  Keep up the good work,  KTH,  Sol is telling him with the busybody pat.

Mom only smiles like this when seeing the soccer boy…Again my bet is the boy is the illegitimate child of her dead husband from 10 years ago, prompting her ONS with PD ahjusshi.  PD ahjusshi said she should resent the child.

What sin has the child committed?!

PD ahjusshi brings up his proposal again, Mom had thought about it and the answer is still no.  He can live with her thinking about it, that’s a beginning.   He wants to share the rest of his life with her, however many days they have not lived yet, starting with the meal tonight.  I am quite moved myself.

When he deconstructs being in love as still eating their own food as is but just seeing her eating the bite he puts on her spoon makes him happy, so happy.  She can still go about her life exactly the same, just let him be by her side, sharing every moment along. That is his happiness. That is all there is to it, even Mom is moved.

In a moment appreciating how sweet NHJ is, coming to work with her abruptly, helping her out when even her bff DJH will stay very far from the cutters, not messing with his surgeon hands, KTH visits her in her head.  He was urging her to give the chance he missed, sharing her deepest secrets, being honest, with NHJ.  All the men closest to her are crowding her thoughts this moment, but if I must put a hierarchy:  she compared NHJ to DJH, her guy bff, with NHJ being the nicer guy, she is listening to her inner voice of KTH and acts accordingly towards her bf following his exact advice in tears.  Tears HYR is not forgetting.

While TH said it out loud he has heard of something he remembers every word, every pause, every breath of, the most fascinating words spoken to him from her, HYR has her exact version…from him that she keeps replaying, remembering his every nuance, every moment his eyes turn red and misty, his wistful heartbreaking smile…and his utmost blessing of wishing her well with NHJ, the one whom she should start sharing her inner thoughts with, no longer KTH.  NHJ is the guy she wants to marry, the guy she can see everyday getting along so nicely, so comfortably, she is even telling him so.  It makes the guy so happy he grabs her hand to his heart, feeling every thump of his happiness, his excitement.

She opens up to him, she is in debt, that is why she did not give him an answer when he proposed.  NHJ immediately offers her an interest free loan for life.  He can not be a happier man.  the big question looming over our heads: worse off financially on that trip TH was going to propose, what would her answer be?!  My guess is a 20sth YR would operate out of love overriding their slew of problems which I still can’t see where we left off with YR and TH 5 years ago to easily overcome without the shove of the breakup, they will not redefine and grow individually to the older and wiser YR and TH.  A 30sth YR is weighing marriage pragmatically weighing every aspect with their deserved significance, they are compatible, they get along effortlessly, comfortably, she loves him enough, he loves her very much, she is financially ill-prepared, but now she has put it in the open, it is no longer an issue.   All very sound judgment…if we ignore the white elephant it is the self-sacrificing love of KTH urging this honesty in YR towards HJ.

But still, she can not open up about her Dad.   If KTH did not push her to confront her darkest trauma, handing her the most effective, poignant photograph of her Dad’s beautiful resting place offering himself as the moving haven to calm her during the overdued release,  the breakdown,  to have a peace of mind,  a closure, she could not properly grief her dad.  NHJ is content with not pushing her further, he is contented with just getting to know her enough.  He loves what little he knows of HYR,   they have a lifetime ahead to know everything and more… that is what we all want to believe,  that and everlasting love.

Sol has had enough of being the tincan phone mediator for TH to bounce off his stern demands involving YR. Hyung assumes gleefully he is also invited to a drink to vent the steam off, but no, Sol wants a heart to heart with TH as friends, she, the dongseng, under the frankness the influence of alcohol can induce.

Sol opens up to TH, for the first time, how she is so upset and confused with their breakup.  He was like a big brother to her, who would piggyback her home up those damned stairs whenever she got into love trouble with the wrong boy every single time, KTH just reminded her, and I doubt Sol has forgotten.  Although she insists he is their darkest chapter that should be wiped off never reminded of again.

Sol really thought they would work out.  Sol never wanted them the fairytale ending: ‘ And they lived happily ever after!’  Their ending should be they fought and argued; misunderstood, doubted, disappointed at each other…yet tried hardest to stay together happy and in love.  She believed in them, dreamed of their brand of real love more than the fairytales.

But he ruined it for her, he is the bastard shattering the dream she can believe in, trampling on her heart as well.  She used to believe in him, the prince charming of true love.  Now he is not even good enough to piggyback her tonight.  But he is, all he can fight back is complaining she is heavier than 5 year ago.

How is it fair?  I am HYR’s ex bf, I am NOT Sol’s ex! 

This must be the first piggyback ride between non-siblings that is not some love stamp…even though Sol is channeling the intense hate YR has towards him like he was her bf.  He wronged YR, he apologized and said his farewell, he will not admit to doing any wrong towards Sol.

Even while whining Sol is the worst when it comes to hate of a gf’s ex by association, he still kneels for Sol to climb back on his back and lets go home.  Awww, obviously he misses Sol as a cool weird younger sister.

As only Sol can, she ‘thanks’ TH with a stuffed toy thrown at his face and more dissing.  This whole night of bonding and airing thoughts over drinks is triggered by Sol being a very concerned best bff…TH is still making YR cry by being  around YR.  Sol must probe what is going on exactly, hunch is YR is not as happy as she is on surface lately…because of KTH.  She yells at TH being the most horrible ex, his most heinous crime being too good looking!  She can guess YR could not control an attraction to TH,  even she is begrudgedly holding out an olive branch drinking as freinds.  Even when stinking drunk, Sol is a romance yoda speaking the wisest truths.

TH also vents out he has been a close friend, a big brother to them for 5 years he has dated YR.  It pains him he lost them as friends after the breakup.  In other words, they were/are dear to him, he is almost reaching out for help…can’t they see, especially the cunningly receptive DJH, he is not doing well?!  *We feel you TH! Free hugs here! *

YR walks by, she can not look on.  She offers TH a ride, as a thank you, as a chance to explain herself where they left off.

In their contemplative silence, they are still in unison.  It must just be a fleeting few days, a passing moment she was more emotional and vulnerable… TH is lulling himself, he can not afford it to be more, never ‘I still love you, TH’, he would fall deeper and he is letting go, he is.  YR also trusts him in her mind to know that was not all she meant.  She is more honest to herself, not evading what she expressed, which could only be interpreted as she is missing him, thinking of him…falling for him, and he should know it, because he is KTH.   She trusts him so easily, so much she is sure he knows that is not all to it, she has NHJ in her life, by her side now.   The guy who should get KTH’s chance to stick with her, as he urged on, in tears.

Still, he can not suppress the urge to know what he should not know.   ‘What you said…’

At ease, trusting him, having faith in him knowing her, she can talk about work.  ‘The townhouse…’

I love YR taking matters in her hand, she is resuming work on the project against TH’s wish.  KTH can ask for a ‘proper breakup’, she can refuse taking him, herself out of each other’s life.   Whatever it is, it is not practical…and they are both back in each other’s lives now, forcing a blunt avoidance made matters worse, made her…miss him, and worst of all, she knows how much it is torturing him inside, just for him to whine for TLC as friends from JH and Sol for one.

A call from NHJ YR does not want to take, TH insists she should, they are nobody now.  Feeding back her medicine of downplaying her confession, just as she did confronting him after his drunken tirade, it opens the lid on them freely getting everything off their chest, she accuses him of sending the text ‘just like an ex bf!

Why did you take that walk, huh?!

A fresh hit of guilt must have taken grips on YR with HJ’s call still ringing.  TH says he does not want to tiptoe around NHJ…and around what was emotionally honestly confessed.  The last one of earth who would misinterpret it as she did not mean it would be KTH, she is too aware.  He shoves the phone to her, pressing the speaker, he can not help the frustration rearing head she could take away such a precious moment imprinted in him back as if nothing happened because of NHJ.  If she is going to hide her feelings from him, she should not hide from NHJ because of him.

YR has nothing to hide in front of TH, not that she can, she is still lying blatantly to HJ she is home.  So yes, she has feelings for TH, not fooling either of them in the car, but bottom-line is she is with NHJ, and she is going to lie through her teeth she has nothing to do with KTH to protect that relationship.   If there is one person she can fool and not drag into this messy 3 way tango, it is NHJ,  she trusts.

And NHJ is asking for a date at his place coming Fri… he is going to properly propose.

Caught in a moment distracted by worrying about TH, she almost misses a red light if TH does not yell out for her to hit the brakes.

She is not fooling anyone.   Did she not know KTH was looking out for her to take the call, be honest with NHJ, just like she should IF he is a nobody to her?!  She did know, but she does not have the will, the clarity to allow him to be a nobody to her, he is the secret she can never be honest with NHJ because he is more than an ex to her now even if she is not going to be honest to herself.  ….Goodnight. She texted HJ, safe and sound home, not an explanation why she lied to him yet again about KTH.

As expected, prompted by the gifts of the other #12s DJH is proving he is special with a gift only he can come up with.

An autoflush toilet.  Yeah your head hurts now with a what am I thinking huh?

BUT let me defend the guy as a SolJoon shipper, of ALL the exceptionally Awesome young ladies on this earth, Sol would be one I bet on liking it as a gift from a true closest bff.  and DJH just missed that touch of a double gift: putting  those dead plants from other #12s and have Sol check out how functional.  Look at YR’s face, that would have been my face as well if my roomie got me a new fancy toilet as a gift, no joke.

…just not the guy you have set your eyes on being The One, reminding you of your poor disgusting habit, when you want something as impractical as a token of romance from him and him only. A firm confirmation,  the green light she can entrust her heart to.  This is the guy who had tachycardia over her and she is nudging him blatantly all along to show her he realizes his love for her, that is all she needs.

SolJoon shippers.  Lets rejoice.  Getting Sol sooo riled up is good, she loves therefore she gets pissed.

NHJ is researching on studying aboard options for AR.  I have come around and think it is endearing and brotherly of him.

It’s Friday, THE Friday.  YR finds THE photograph at HJ’s, Finally. Mom is there to witness and be unnecessary harsh just to encourage the suspicion.

I can not put my finger on the prerogative of Mom.  It is one thing to dislike YR, another to be so resentful of any happiness for her son out of being overly protective, whom is so filial, so gratefully loving her.   Does she want HJ never to marry just to keep a birth secret or just not to YR?!   HJ compromises with AR, he will send her off to study aboard, but he will not budge with YR, he is her son, inheriting her temperament:  fiercely stubbornly protective of the one they love, he understands Mom is trying her mightiest to protect him, so she should understand his feelings for YR, the person he wants to share his life, his past secrets, how much he loves and is grateful for his Mom, from his heart.

And the prop of the episode is seen by AR too as Mom drops it at the reception.  From JH, she confirms the shock, she is HJ’s Mom and that was a picture of her with a young HJ, of course.

OH TH, WHY YOU SLAY US SOOOOOOOOOO?!?!  At the happening break room, TH notices YR freshening up all pretty before leaving, he catches the date on the calendar, it’s The Friday.  YR chitchats about work before she leaves, like the colleagues they are, I wonder if she notices TH’s voice is suddenly hoarser, sending her off.

He was grabbing a cuppa, I doubt it he has to leave so timely and just happens to run into YR waiting for her ride.  He is making sure he can drive YR to her destination.

I know where you are going.

It is his blessing in this most generous gesture, not necessary, but YR will accept.  She is overplaying they are at where they should be, the front she is putting forth to NHJ, they work together, they are acquaintances, she is willing herself.  And she can take a ride from him to her bf’s proposal without a ripple in her heart to overcompensate her mistake being so on edge driving him home.

I do not know how many ominous signs YR can shake off.  The lovely bouquet she has prepared for the big day scattered over the floor with HJ’s Mom hollering at her going through HJ’s personal things unannounced…as his almost fiancee.  The picture of a young HJ with an unknown girl she has never heard of him mentioning, hidden in his shelves she obviously should not see.  Her ex who is trying to get over her, giving her a ride to offer her hand in marriage to another guy, both of them very good at pretending nothing has stirred, but as she walks off, still pouring his longing on her she is very good at not noticing.  What else would he be doing with his car still there not on ignition?! And there, at the front door of HJ’s apartment building, AR is crying.

Just when I feel some sympathy for AR, and I can accept her crying because she is overwhelmed by NHJ is the lost brother she has been looking for (but come on it’s not his fault and it’s been 20 years, I would be so overwhelmed with HAPPY with the reunion above everything); I can understand it is the deflating of some hope she is special to NHJ just because he is soo nice, not because of ulterior motive, not because repenting guilt; I can even understand if it is just being a girl having a crush on someone you thought is reciprocating but it was just a figment of her imagination; it could be just because he lied, or all of the above.  BUT I can not deal with her telling how YR should treat her. As AR has been entitled to do whatever she wants with NHJ as long as her conscience is clean, YR has exactly the same right if not more as NHJ’s very steady girlfriend even just to set up a boundary AR should not cross and intrude her relationship with NHJ because being in a relationship as a couple earns one a right to have a shared identity in coupledom.  YR has to an extent an ownership of NHJ if she deems the union is threatened.

I so want to feel for you AR, but

You should’ve been born as an orphan too.

If you do not firmly be so woe is me poorest!poor orphan as if being an orphan is the most painful horrible terminal cancer when I honestly see you doing quite decently on your own with a very full life and smiling your way over most of your days… I am also fine with your whining woe is me on bad days,  we all have some,  not specific to being an orphan, I can take it as a plead for sympathy, but as is, from your entitled mouth, this is such a disgusting curse.

Do you think that is nice?!  To not step in my shoe and see it from MY perceptive MEMEMMEMEME!?

Again remind me why YR MUST be nice to AR, ever.  WHYYYY?!?!? But clearly YR has softened her stance and feels for AR, when she just got an earful, from a tearful young lady.  A young lady whom is not irrational to be label as ‘the other woman’ if YR is less trusting on this night, their big night HJ is going to propose, of all nights.  The most logical conclusion a suspicious gf will jump to is the other woman is crying because she did not snatch the guy, he is still proposing to the steady gf.  But YR is oddly calm, like a calm before the storm.

I can not act like nothing had happened.  I can’t.

She does not need AAR to tell her to have faith in NHJ, she should be seething in jealousy and hurt, but instead it is a calm, scorned face, all I am getting from YR is this should not be the happiness she has to wait for.  Should this be worthy of all the compromises?  There are so many loose ends in the relationship with HJ unresolved, and he sees no need to, many secrets they are keeping from each other she can not open up, neither can he…but all is fine for him to propose because he loves her so much.  That was YR 5 years ago, and that led to a devastation.

Why is it ok for you, but not me.

KTH, is a conundrum HJ is bringing up he does not understand, but he chooses to trust her.

I can not imagine what is going through YR’s mind,  with KTH’s name rolling fresh off HJ’s tongue.  HJ is repeating her words on that breakup.  She/He does not love him/her, he/she means so little to her/him.

Do you even know what love is?!

And here is a guy going through the pain, the neglect, the belittlement she felt from KTH and the table is turned on her being the perpetrator of hurting someone she does love as much as she can, that, she knows. It is worse than KTH has committed,  he was unware,  she is in the know.  And even when he must be reeling in the pain she has felt, he admits defeats, apologizes for overacting and asks her to take a seat…as if nothing has happened.

At this moment, I think YR can not bear to see herself in HJ, even more pitiful he is now than she was, when she at least know she should walk away back then…and she is walking away for both of them.

As if telling herself she has to stop meshing the two of them, reliving her pain, instigating the exact trauma she experienced on NHJ,

You are who you are, I am who I am.

NHJ is willing to shamelessly, without dignity love her.  HYR can no longer love someone like so.

It is so very mean of me I should feel more for SJ’s NHJ in this scene, but juxtaposed with how much Eric can do with one, ONE tear.  I can’t.

NHJ is crying in regret of the many moments he should not let go to be honest to YR, and he has to put it in his own hands this is not yet another moment he let it slide without trying his best.  At the hallway YR is kneeling, crying, like the beginning of the episode, but this time NHJ is all brimming with concern and love for her, forgetting his ego, his will is so strong to not let her go, stronger even than she had for KTH when she was soo in love, never more in love with KTH.

All he asks of her is not to leave him.  All she knows about love is the will to hold on and he is holding onto her, willing to compromise to sacrifice his pride, in a comforting embrace when she needs him.

YR and I, we both let go.

What they had was better than fantasy, even Sol believed in them, dared to dream about a true love like them, and he lost it because he let go, because they let go.

YR loves HJ.  She does.   This is what she wants in love, someone who loves her like she loved KTH.  How can she bear the thought of the doppelgänger of her younger self in love, going through the same pain she did, made all the compromises willingly,  yet had his ideals in love shattered at her hand!?  Because that matters more to her this moment, she was crying at the guilt he would be suffering because of her, above everything else, she is willing to compromise.  She has the will to not leave NHJ, this must be love.  She loves him, she said.   Love is the will to hold on no matter what.

A tear falls, he does not know it is another moment he is sharing the same thought as HYR.  Love is the will to hold on,  the day when it enters the heart causing all the uncontrollable longing.

As i click ‘post’ this pop up on my feed with the title: …the universal human longing to be understood , to be seen for who we are the book has little to do with romance but a very broad notion on love, of a city, a community,  of belonging.

These characters hit me this episode of the urgent longing to be understood,  even by themselves,  when they have secrets,  inner thoughts they can not tidy up, open up,  but desperately demanding the people around to understand them without explanation out of trust, and because of love.  And that is what TH and YR has effortlessly, an understanding of each other, a connection no one can replace…  but what should they do about it?!  Nothing.

It is another move forward for TH to let go of YR.  He was desperately stilling his heart which she stirred again with something he heard,  he did not even dare to say it as is:  YR’s love confession.  Yet he understands her too well,  it was her plea for help to hold onto the will staying with NHJ.  The will to not letting go is definition of love she is believing in.   And he did everything she asked from him,  even driving her to NHJ’s doorstep.  In Chinese there is a term for breakup: 兩清 /both, cleared where all debts are repaid, a proper closure,  squared. Everything back to a clean slate as if nothing has happened. That is what he owes HYR,  making her answer the phone when he is aware his presence is making her uneasy with NHJ,  something she has to overcome if she insists on keeping him in her life.   He should be nobody to her. He gave her a ride not giving her any leeway letting happiness slip away,  if he could drop her off without fanfare,  she could say yes to NHJ,   the guy who is better for her,  who genuinely loves her even KTH can tell,  he will be opposite of in the way.

YR and TH did not say much in the car when she offered him the ride,  but so much was cleared between them,  they are still the best at the psychological tango dancing around what should be understood without saying,  what should be understood but left never uttered.  How honest,  even at ease at being themselves in front of the other, what a glance or a side-eye they can convey, is nothing anyone else in their lives can connect.

NHJ professed scene after scene how much he loves YR,  moving genuine heartfelt words,  we are hammered with the point he loves YR with his all, except he is still having a big rifting secret kept from YR he is not ready to disclose.  To YR,  when his Mom,  even AAR is not completely in the dark yet he is ready to jump,  blindly with so many unknowns,  into a marriage with her.  I was not doubting his love for YR, but am i the only one left underwhelmed in how much i should be moved by him?! It is uncanny.

Why did YR say yes?!  She wants to believe in the beauty of love again.  In HJ she sees herself and she loves HJ more than KTH loved her.  If she is going to believe in love, in the will it will last… she was operating on much less with KTH and because they let go, gave up,  all is lost…yet still after all the excruciating hurt, she is uncontrollably shaken by KTH, even someone she has hated perhaps longer than loved,  she is able to have unwanted feelings,  unruly longing towards.  KTH makes her believe in love again,  with a better guy,  an easier guy,  a guy who would always come to her when she needs him be and never gives up on her,  on them.

11 thoughts on “Discovery of Love 12

  1. Damn Mookie, you KILLED it with this recap. Mad applause and respect. Also, I think you interpreted and wrote about the episode way, way better than the watching experience (it was painful, I dare not and can’t re-watch a second time to pick up missed clues and emotions). My god, thanks for setting up episode 12 in this digestible way with so much learned perspectives.

    “All she knows about love is the will to hold on and he is holding on to her, in a comforting embrace when she needs him.” This. you totally nailed this scene again and made me understand or more like look at YR’s actions (and why she chose to stay and in the end accepted his proposal etc) in a different light. My heart is with Tae Ha all the while, all along, so the pain I felt watching these scenes were oh-so-painful but thinking about it objectively (…best that I can) and trying to imagine myself in YR’s shoes, I am with you that it comes down to the lesson they’d learned, that painful lesson they’ve both arrived at: love is the will to hold on.

    And so she did, and in a way he did in his own way. And now we’re here, they’re there and ahhhh it is so excruciatingly painful, this “here”. (I need episode 13! *sulks*)

    1. I was so lost with the ending watching it the first time but this is such an subtly layered episode, perhaps one of the better written one very demanding on us, the main reason being JYM is SO TERRIFIC. Her YR has to put up an act of nothing happened and YR is VERY good, has been for 5 years and counting keeping her secret, still. There is no if or buts, what she said end of 11 is a love confession. The entire episode JYM seems to underplay YR’s feelings towards KTH, and we are in doubt was that really just a spur of a moment triggered by the bonfire games, that song?! Not to KTH. She hurried off the next morning avoiding him. HYR before her feelings were stirred has been honest to NHJ about what is currently going on with KTH, eg answering his call eating ramyun. She is hesitant to take the call now knowing it could be an arrangement for a proposal…she did ask for the ring, hesitant because it may hurt KTH. She genuinely wishes him happiness, that is why she has to deny her outburst. KTH even eases her mind letting her know full well he knows exactly what it was, but so what?! He is not going to act on it, so should she. KTH offers her a ride to NHJ, if it was the old HYR, she would not accept the ride, last time NHJ saw her in KTH’s car, it was not pretty. But she gets on without a word, without an expression, it was too calm for HYR. He told her he should be nobody to her, he told her she should hold onto NHJ, her happiness, even sending her off and she is following everything he suggested…properly breaking up, and trying madly to halt her feelings towards KTH, showing KTH she is doing exactly that. It was not the first time AR pushed her buttons, and she has never truly believed HJ was cheating on her with AR, why now?! That was the excuse she used to project her doubts in herself, AR is her ‘scapegoat’.

      She is not over the grieving of her Dad to talk about it, far from it. Sol, JH are still in the dark, she may NEVER be frank with them what happened, true to form of a woman who has not let out any hint of the true cause of her trauma last 5 years to anyone, not even confiding in her Mom. HYR is a child of a broken marriage, and she must have sensed infidelity was the culprit. Thus cheating, infidelity is her kryptonite. Lo and behold if her fallout with KTH has anything to do with him cheating, he would be truly dead to her, no hate, nothing. It is a generalization, but she is faring less well with changes, craving for stability, constants in life. That is what a NHJ can provide. She has done her share of causing suspicions in their relationship even though she had been grouchily veering KTH off, but she is wavering now and still NHJ trusts her unconditionally. In clues here and there she must be closer to her Father whom I can assume has a sweet demeanor opposite of Mom, immersed in work perhaps to numb herself from her failing marriage. YR has voiced the neglect from Mom to TH. It is easy for the child to side with the ‘good parent’, Dad would take her to fishing trips, was getting along splendidly with her bf, whom she was madly in love. I can even extrapolate NHJ is very close to Dad in temperament, who would bottle up their anguish, compromise and ‘let the woman win’, till the discontent in the relationship is above the threshold.

      The box will come to play next episode, we can hope, what is shoved under the bed never stays under the bed. NHJ could not handle it, when the truth hits and he can not look the other way, it would be ugly. YR will be forced to confront her feelings for TH…even not triggered by going through the keepsakes, she will find out about TH’s proposal sooner or later.

      1. I read this comment of yours twice and man, Mookie, I’ve so much respect for you right now hahaha and what goes in that mind of yours! You’re making me want to re-watch episode 12 (but my heartttt) because you’re right and I am starting to see why the writing is brilliant, so subtle yet smartly layered and this theme of “love is the will to hold on” represented and played out in various push-and-pull aspects over the course of the episode by all of our players here. There is so much to mine here really, and I’m sooooo glad you took this task up because woah, I’m floored at these ‘reverse’ revelations that I doubt I would’ve caught on.

        1. LOL thank you for the compliment dearie! I am sure though u need to reread because i just do not have the way w words expressing my thoughts as well as i wanna…alas. i reread my stuff and usu i dun see how anyone can tell what im babbling about, glad u read my mind.

          I love this drama to death obviously, i have worked in field related to family psychology so that maybe ‘job hazards’ in play i do not see YR as an individual only but a product of nature and nurture

  2. I must say I totally disappointed with YR in this episode. I thought after last time she ‘confessed’ about her feeling to TH, it will open new chance for them to be together. When TH asked her in the car, she acted like nothing happen and saying she doesn’t mean it at all. I could understand that she wanna play safe with HJ, but what she did seems give another hope to TH (because she exactly knows TH”s feeling about her). My last hope is TH will get happy ending with or without YR, because he’s the one who deserves it the most after these heart breaking and teary scenes..

    1. BUT… the entire ep was not as face value as your opinion.

      Same token can be said about TH at end of 10 when he said he wanted a closure a clean break but it was so charged with emotions, with longing it was actually stirring feelings in YR.

      It was an outburst she was frustrated about, exactly because she did not want to give hope for TH and torture him further, that is why she said it meant nothing at all, but she is not fooling KTH.
      She was just very good at acting like nothing happened but when they were in the car, they were very open about ‘dissing’ each other about letting feelings out. They both knew each other’s feelings, but both of them have decided to not act on it.
      IF TH still is pursuing YR to get back to him as his heart is dictating, he would not have made up the lie to pacify NHJ…by doing so, YR also gets the point no matter what their feelings are, she has NHJ now, who even before the proper proposal was as good as a fiance she has set her mind of marrying and TH is better off moving on finding happiness elsewhere, it is not like she has faith in herself to make it work with TH out of some wavering of her heart after what they’ve been through. Bear in mind she is also faulting herself in their failed romance, not just KTH. Also, TH was the one who dropped her off at NHJ, he could have said sth to stop her, but he basically sent his blessing, again hammering in the point he should be nobody to YR now.

      It is not playing safe. A guy who can put down his dignity and compromise for you every time, and never give up on you is a love KTH has not shown YR, just because he’s back in her life now for a few weeks, just because they have feelings, yearnings for each other, YR’s conviction in love is however strong the feelings it won’t last, what NHJ has shown her is, even when she is wavering atvm, he won’t give up on her, no question asked. That is what she wants in a relationship now. It is a tug of war btw her uncontrollable longing for a guy whom she had a devastating heartbreak with, she is very good at suppressing vs a guy whom she can trust to be the one holding her when she is weak, no matter what.

  3. are you still having the song on replay dear eonni?!

    wow there are some TH haters on DB. I’m enjoying DoL so much, every character is so HUMAN and vulnerable (even more than IOIL). Monday Monday please come sooner 🙂

    1. Still replaying sweetie! Lol my hubs wanna die…

      I think they r watching a drama called Discovery of Hatred instead of what we r watching. And no not even drama characters are allowed to be young and ignorant and gave in to feelings, nope they need to be kdrama Barbies and Kens yawnzz

  4. I must say YJM shined in this episode. I loved the moment when HJ asks her if she even knows what love is and we get such an amazingly startled expression from her (in line with how you described the emotions she was going through, one of them being seeing herself in HJ and feeling guilt), overwhelmed with being caught out by herself from his words that she doesn’t know what love is in HJ’s way anymore…the tables have really turned and yes the saddest part is here she is aware, unlike TH who wasn’t.

    I agree that at the outing she wasn’t crying because she wanted him back, but in agony because she did not want to leave HJ. That would mean she would be abandoning what she has tried to believe in these years that have passed. It would be denying how she’s lived up till now and at the end of the day, she still could not be as taken by anyone as the man who has left the biggest scar on her.

    The uncanny thing is that I actually didn’t find that Eric was able to emote that final scene as he has done these recent episodes, but all in all, your reflections and me rewatching the ep with subs really helped me to appreciate what this episode tried to convey, meticulously analysed by you!

    It took me a while to get into watching this ep with subs and I’m really glad I did.

    On the other hand I have just started watching Que Sera Sera!!! I actually find Eric more comfortable and believable in his role there and I LOVE the dynamics b/w him and YJM in QSS more! (the chemistry!!! And Eric is illegally HOT there) Not to mention before the writing for the supporting actress went lame, I loved her way of talking in calm and composed manner, appreciating the second lead just as much too! Heck I even like JYM’s sister too! I’m up to episode 8 where the realism and maturity of the writing deteriorates for some characters, but up until that point, I must say I was pleasantly surprised!!!! The writer is so much better at creating situations that are convincing and supporting characters that are equally important to encapsulate the show’s unique flavour! I cannot wait to watch more because each episode oozes with potential and intensity! ( Just sucks how they reduced the rich girl to a clingy “what do you think about this situation rhetorical bimbo when they had established her as someone with deeper thoughts and a strong love for her bro)

    Anyway I will also be looking forward to watch Ep 13 of DoL now. The good thing about this drama is that you really don’t know what to expect and its great to anticipate what might, and have them do a 180 on us all over again! That doesn’t happen often in modern-day dramaland. It has been, and hopefully will continue be, a crazy fun ride!

    1. I still think Eric is in control, perhaps because SJ is lacking i gave E the ctedit of more affecting. Yoomi is insane! Luv her. It is v keen eye on Eric to pick this drama up because she’s signed on, his words.

      Oh ep8 of QSS… isnt it quirky and intense?! Eric has an easier caricature there, just b the dominating jerk. i expected you to come screaming after 9!

      Tmr! ! !

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