The Sun STILL Rises

Yesterday started with a failed meringue.

I was trying to channel all my stress and energies over a baked Alaska birthday cake for my hubs, above my capabilities. I drove an hour to get the best vanilla beans I could, made ice cream from scratch, made a perfect raspberry coulis, baked a fluffy lemon chiffon, assembled the baked Alaska cake quite satisfyingly and the meringue refuses to brown.   I scraped it off, put cake in freezer and thought I would give it a second try last minute after dinner.  It was my kind tolerant husband’s birthday afterall,  made plans a month ahead to flawlessly work in voting at 6pm after a full 10+ hr work day.

I didn’t even know what precinct I belonged, have never voted in this state.  It was a lovely 30min wait in line, civil friendly small talks with fellow voters about the weather, our withering tomato plants, the homemade cake that is not exactly working out, cute very excited but super well behaving children offering to share last swatches of Halloween candies tagging along their folks, perfectly aware we are quite squarely split in povs, the battleground middle America state we are in.

It was a half moon, sky was clear, air crisp under the light glow of dusk, there was a tiny field of cosmos daisies and my delulu mind jumped to last scene of MDBC and almost made my hubs took a selfie of us holding hands.  He refused of course, we had better hurry, last hr or so to vote.  Yes.

The grandpa volunteer who looked up my precinct for me, walked across the elementary school indoor court we were voting, just to make sure I was in line in my correct precinct, so my ballot will be counted in the right machine without glitch.  That was sweet and I smiled my loveliest and hugged him a thank you.
We nodded goodbyes to all our fellow voters we spent the half hour pleasantly with, thanked all the volunteers with smiles and stepped out with our ‘I voted!’ stickers in hand.  I still insisted on a selfie with the MDBCflowers and my hubs let me, but by then the night had settled in, clouds blocked all moonlight and it started drizzling.  I could walk by tomorrow for my morning jog, I thought.

We made it to restaurant exactly at our reservation.  Had a perfect dinner, and was home turning everything on as I heard ‘It is a very close race’ taking off my heels.

Literally I made my own sound effect as my shoe drop, My heart sank in shock.  What the fresh hell?!  I never thought this was even a possibility.  I thought the night would be bumped if HRC did not win by a landslide… but it was Waterloo, yes there is a Canadian town drivable distance of such name I recently passed by.

Great that serendipity of imperfection kicks in I still had a failed cake I could focus on, it could not be, night is long, there is the 11th hour.  Still, the meringue refused to brown.

I blocked out last night. I didn’t sleep till some time near dawn. I wasn’t awake either, shellshocked, very dazed and confused and furious and extremely sad.  I felt like an emotional ragdoll being punched and assaulted on my every shred of humanity glued to my social media, where I have coworkers, boss, relatives, church friends neighbors cheering for their candidate not mine.  I felt violently physically unwell,  I did have acid regurgitated.   I did something very irrational perhaps, irresponsible for sure but the only thing constructive and emailed a sick leave to my boss as he expressed his elation on fb.

I need some time just to harden my shell before I can face this world and the people I have to share space with, just a day i am literally sick and weary to fake civility greeting neighbor a good one patting his dog next to his T+P sign on his lawn.  Because this was one of those days I had tears falling out of my sockets whenever I wanted to shut them, preserving them from this horror, this horror that would not end all, yet would not be the end of hell yet to be witnessed, even if we will all, mostly be ok henceforth, it is not the same world we could pretend.   After today, I would still be expected, as a level headed minority grown woman to be able to rein in tears constantly beyond my control, and the F!Us I would love to just lash out, working with otherwise normal sweet appearing fellowcitizens/voters who voted for a racist, a bigot, a misogynist, a rapist, an unqualified to be the shitstain he is, let alone some ‘the best our nation deserves’ his words, and unifying… what exactly… shits?!   I had never feel this fear, I turned down a college gf dragging me out of bed, out of my frontdoor just to commiserate over coffee ‘let us not talk one fking thing and just let yourself enjoy the constant of my beautiful face, company, caffeine and croissants or your strange obsession of savory wheat crepe w lox’.  So tempting, but I could not control this rage in me, this ugly beast in me that I know would judge every passerby today with a cheery normal disposition minding their own business on a ridiculously fine breathtakingly awesome fall day in a battleground, where women and minorities lost a gallant battle just to fight for basic rights and decency deemed insignificant by half of the normal people roaming the land.  I might randomly hit people and things.  I am giving myself a day, just to revamp that pokerface, mind set on inserting an edge to it comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year when i have to eat and catch up, bond with relatives and friends of decades I must face now who have earned themselves labels of flagrant racist and sexist which they might still be ignorant about the offense as minorities and more shattering… as women.

A 70sth neighbor of such finest coolest badass make-up, spends every morning smoking like a chimney, sipping her hot teas in front lawn in her perfect bathrobe and curlers even if it was some brutal -15 snow day, my pick-me-up braving morning jogs whining about everything, dropped me wine and muffins at porch without knocking.  My husband was worried, he has never seen me this distraught over some election and asked her to check on me.  I felt all the ugliness of humanity is now legitimized, normalized and I fear as victims we all are, even the manipulated bigots, large or small, we are expected to tirelessly put up a front this is ok.  I have never been as terrified for my soul surviving the daily grind. This is my new reality, let me have a day to whine and baby myself. But some sweetest human kindness, a sip of wine directly soothing my knots there is still perfect good in humans especially how classy womanhood could be, a very dignified concession speech by HRC, one unbelievably strong woman flaws and all, moves me to applause and tears. It saves my sanity.

I walked by that tiny field of cosmos lilies, they didn’t survive the freezing downpours last night… and it wasn’t close to such dreaminess with hope and disillusionment inserted.  It was a chilly night, a sun rises I refused to wake up, but my tough little plant have braved a few below freezing nights now, still miraculously blooming one bright flower the afternoon after.

Posted in me

14 thoughts on “The Sun STILL Rises

  1. I’m not an American, but it seems that this kind of voting is practically everywhere in the world atm 😦 It happened all over in Europe right after 2008 and subsequent years, country by country. It was really scary to see that happening. Yet, I’ve always found comfort in the fact that USA voted for Obama. Twice. It still awes me. I’m not gonna lie. I think the new reality will suck, really, really suck. Even for the people who voted for him, if we follow the trends of certain European countries’ policies. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe it will different for you guys in the USA, I hope it will. All I can say is, take care of yourself, just enjoy and appreciate the company of your loved ones and just enjoy your life.

    1. Thank you. If nothing else this collective mourning of ‘land of the free’ to the worst realization it has always been just under the surface ‘land of the free to be selfish racists sexists misogynists haters and rapists’ has waken me to be more proactive to fight for every human right I have taken for granted.

      I thought Obama will be a hopeful start for more tolerance blurring prejudices. I do feel for the rural population feeling left behind in the years between where parts of this country has been picking up recovering financially, I have lived and enjoyed there. But there are sad socioeconomical racial demarcations where time didn’t just stand still but regressed. Obama was not perfect for a lot of folks but putting the entire blame on him what globalization, technology are setting in motion beyond his/a government’s directives… is underlying racism. Just as how Hillary lost, to DT esp, is the most blatant foulest sexism we are making a statement to the world. Folks are still playing the blame game on the uneducated, the white supremists, but it was a much more underlying ignorant ingrained systemic misogyny, racisms in half the populace which is now given a most public platform to be glorified as some honest mindspeaking absurdist nationalistic greatness. It shook and jaded me overnight because I now will doubt and judge the inner workings of all ordinary folks and I refuse to feign these most selfish tendencies against ‘otherness’ has little to do with my daily life when folks I know personally are jumping in joy in this dehumanizing saddest regressing state of mankind. And for women to be the worst sexist jeering this on, for minorities to be so vocal so supportive of this rhetorical shitstorm, I thought most would vote for DT ambivalently but I witnessed joy and triumphant even in my close circles… I can’t. I had so much faith there would be a majority in the 200+millions much ferociously better than this, when reality is bombarding me, nope this is exactly what half, a very substantial demography of American, some of my dear ones, desires, thus deserves. This is an apocalypse we will try to soldier and fight in.

      And true to my shallowness, my hell is seeing that orange rotten pumpkin everywhere spewing in cohesive jibberish only cute for 1 year olds everywhere.

  2. Chingu, the sinking feeling I’ve had since last night is still sinking inside of me, not wanting to go away. It’s like I’m living in some kind of surreal nightmare. Luckily I did not have to deal with any T supporters, my closest social network being staunchly withHer. And yet I feel as though I’ve been given a big fat middle finger. From my people, my country, humanity, and the guy upstairs.
    Democracy is a double-edged sword after all. I am doubly mad that 3 of 4 amendments passed in our state. All of biased wording and dubious motives. And of course even when google makes it so easy to do your research nowadays, the modern voters are woefully ill-informed on everything.
    I will wake to this world another day, but I’m not sure I like that world very much right now. And yes, I will be angry for as long as it suits me. The wound is still too fresh and I’m not done licking it.

    1. I feel like I am living the first episode first season of Walking Dead fully aware this is just the beginning of the abyss of a hellish normal we have to survive in.

      We are mourning dear friend, of this trust in the innermost human decency, this is not the lesser of two evils, this was a very competent very flawed woman versus a most incompetent foulest demagogue caricature I am sure is not what the general public define human. I was sure. But no, instead lots actively celebrates this lifeform to be ‘our’potus. I could not even sit through tonight’s news with his face in parade. And what a lovely graceful inspiring dignified concession speech delivered with so much unbelievable strength and goodwill, genuine care and soothing comforting support for young girls, womanhood by HRC when I am a non-functioning mess. If anything from the ashes of such soulbreaking defeat she inspired womanhood and minorities to fight it even more fiercely what we deserve.

      I think this democracy experiment is tragically unfit for us flawed humans, I do not trust we can ever play this fairly, not with this lack of compassion and decency anymore I am afraid, very afraid.

  3. It didn’t took me passed the first sentence that I knew what you were referring to.
    I woke up later than usual for my day. I stayed up for the results. And to hear the results once more in the morning of Wednesday on the radio, I felt burnt.
    I felt burnt over the primaries and now this. Much hugs to you and everyone feeling down by this.
    Cosmos are one of my favorite flowers. Resilient after the storm. They remind me there is still hope and we too can be resilient. Hang in there!

    1. Hugs. I am frustrated in myself too being so delusionally trusting and ‘optimistic’. I honestly went by the day celebrating, fussing about some cake, worrying about time and logistics and then incessantly hit by this horrifying reality the entire night I still couldn’t entirely believe.

      I know this is how things are cosmically, as the chinese saying goes ’30 years of river flowing east, 30 years of river flowing west’ but we have suffered enough DT induced nauseation I thought all this was a most tasteless publicity campaign for his whateverTV I sure am wise enough to stay v far away smashing my tele if necessary. Just those last days of HRC ads repeatedly playing DT foul dumbest yakking had me worried about this generation of kids exposed to such verbal diarrhea of abuse watching some Good Morning America.

      It won’t kill us entirely, it does give us the urgency to unite and be louder, stronger, prompt me to be more sensitive and aware of any hint of sexism and racism I am witnessing when I would have otherwise let slide and not be confrontational. I will have none tolerated whatsoever this day on, my civic duty. This will urge me to put my feet on the streets and protest anything I deemed DT not performing to my standard, there is no mercy because part of me is too disappointed too angry to have compassion towards the unworthy.

  4. Goddamn I can’t believe a despicable scumbag like Trump got elected! He is a hatemonger, a sex offender, and a white supremacist who hates and discriminates against everyone who aren’t cis white men, and is just so incompetent he doesn’t even KNOW how to be a president! What is this world, honestly? This election has made me lose faith in human decency. This trash is bad enough but those who support him? They’re EVEN WORSE.

    HRC is by no means a perfect candidate, but she is the FAR SUPERIOR candidate. If anything, this election has shown just how utterly misogynist and racist AmeriKKKa truly is. I know there are many decent Americans who did NOT vote for Trump (as shown by HRC winning the popular vote), but the fact that racist and sexist pigs are now openly showing their true colors and supporting this scumbag’s hatemongering and discriminatory policies is just disgusting. My friends have told me that people (especially women) of color are being openly harassed on the streets, and this is just unacceptable in this day an age (I can’t believe this country is going backwards like WTF).

    I was doing my exam just the other day and one of the girls waiting outside the exam room was so upset and wailing that she can’t believe she was related to a Trump supporter. My family, friends, and classmates are absolutely disgusted by this farce of an election and are still disbelieving that this scumbag is president.

    *SIGH* There is no justice in this world.

    1. And also this electoral college system is BULLSHIT. How many times is it now that candidates have won more votes but end up LOSING? This fucked up system favors the Republicans every time. Goddammit.

      1. How many innocent lives, children toddlers were killed by gun violence and they still defend their constitutional rights fighting tighter gun control to be accessories to mass murders then fear mongering it is foreign terrorists most threatening that fabric of society?!

      1. They got their pass to freely roam, normalize hate, and perhaps we’ll also see them free of their soileddiapers they’ve used shitting as cowards for face covering to nvr b too far from their own stinky shitting… not that we wish they r free of facefullofpoops of coz but what goes along our say lately?!

    2. This is utter human selfishness, white or folks aspiring to ‘enjoy’ white privilege…so terrified, holding onto last threads of dominance any means necessary, it is plainly speaking w votes so many do not care about their mothers their minority neighbors friends coworkers much, at least not enough to regard them as equals. No one is crazynaive in delusionally dreaming racism sexism do not exist, I had my tiny constant share even when it at times r ‘positive’ sexism and racism being ‘preferably’ treated as weaker/docile, as the token whatever. I still am occasionally served not taken seriously. But now I regret not making every stance however trivial to fight constantly i should be treated exactly like everyone else.

      I STILL was wishful thinking I could be numb, things would ‘normal’ down and my daily urge to punch things mins after starting day could end as dust settles but nope. This is truly beginning of hell where every evil bigot racist scum will be appointed at high ranks running the D…ump apocalypse. And Y r they getting away w all the hate crimes of words and deeds they have published and said and committed?! I have never expected I would witness white supremicy at its invincible ugliest served such a widespread platform. I will not be surprised if KKKDDuke will have an appointment. I mean I still would refuse to believe it but.

      I am still reeling inside because my cousin has already suffered an incident being accosted at in Atlanta w racial slurs. I work on campus and I have been sent alert of a hate crime blocks away Day2. I am doing everything within my means, lots are. We’ll see, I am not taking this democracy bs lying down normalizing it without fighting.

  5. All you younger people take heart. Many of these leaders of today will have moved to the great beyond in 10-20 years which is a relatively short time in the grand scheme of eternity. I think it is natural to mourn and grieve this election, but I think we can redeem each day by the choices we personally make to live in opposition to the cruel words and actions we have been seeing and probably will see in the future. I think adversity makes you stronger and gives you purpose. We can show kindness to the stranger and generosity to the poor and get along with one another. Light always conquers the dark…..

    1. Thank you for the wise words, food for thought working on my own diligence in being constantly more assertive, making my own presence be known louder, however small a spec in The grand design. I had always bide by choosing my battles or none at all if could be avoided, skirting around negligible sexism, the boys be boys schism pretending I can’t hear a lewder joke when treated as if invisible in ‘their’ space. So true this heightens the urgency of human kindness and decency and reaching out more than before. I hope it is soon whenever things are unbearable, instead of this rage I’m still reining, I could pay forward but not trying to normalize or numb the outrage.

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