Wuxias Trololoing

When I saw half my Wlist loling like a cackle of hyenas a wk ago, when the following rumored list for the cast of DGSD2013 was leaked, all I can helplessly do was ‘Oh-PLEAAHZEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ it to oblivion, this utter devastating exacerbating load of bullcrap.   I had a good laugh though.  You will too.

By this time we’ve all seen Wallace as QiaoFung, and 90% of us r nursing massive headaches because of it.  Wallace can never be a QF, he’ll angst and be in pain but missing the boat as the commanding hero of a Demi-god able to survive more than the whole wuxia’s worth load of crappy boulders falling on him.

imo Wallace has always attached himself to duds, I have seen quite a handful of his work through the years but none of them can be hailed as watchable.  None.  So it does make sense he’s attached to this.  It fits, actually.  I don’t think he’ll be the main reason this drama is the stinkiest of all wuxia adapts, he’ll hold his own and be bland coz if we are talking about a myriad of funny smelling things….there are plenty.

KKB, listen my dear boy, perchance can you in any way get urself out pronto?! I think your fandom can barely put up with this, but you r not just reminding your existing fanbase how hardcore delirious they can be, to ambitiously playing a lead, the young dashing gorgeous sparkling prince of Dali (albeit the blandest and most boring of the 3 heros) in a sprawling big fking deal LouisCha epic wuxia.  Because this is stupid, ALL of this.

I have no idea when in the novel this look of DuanYu is for, lets hope it’s WAYYYY towards the end and DY didn’t perform a ‘wuxia’ maneuver akin  DongFongBuiBai…and turning himself into a…… less than himself because I’m seeing a poof of a hairdo in vogue 900 years later than his time, on girls.  Also, lest we forget, we first met our young pretty naive prince in the book at the ripe old age of Eighteen.

It really takes a whole ocean of sympathy equivalent only towards a massacre of pups from the vicious C netizens to NOT make fun of the leaked bts, but instead lend a helping hand to the charity case of Unfug it with some crude PS brushstrokes:

BTW this is a pic of Prince DuanYu and Miss Wang YuYan, both of them r supposed to be royalty, not equine handlers at cirque de Dali.

Really DGSD peeps, don’t give up.  Aja!  AJA!  HWAITINGGGGG!  No one is daring you to give us a sensible adapt, that’s mean to ask from you guys,  we just don’t care for ALL THE FUG, and the aircircles one of my fingers have to tirelessly swirl while coordinating another hand’s index finger doing the swiping of nahnahhhnahhhnahhhhhhhhNOOOOOOOO!!! Nonstop, to everything visually vomiting on my screen.

The rumored cast list: 2013年湖南卫视版《新天龙八部》,主要演员:萧峰(钟汉良)段誉(金基范)慕容复(宗峰岩)王语嫣(张檬)虚竹(韩栋)阿紫阿朱(贾青)康敏 (张馨予)丁春秋(谢霆锋)天山童姥(林志玲)段正淳(吴卓羲)段王爷(周杰)木婉清(郑爽)耶律洪基(吴卓羲)钟灵(曾轶可)刀白凤(李宇春) which half of it is obviously false but most brilliant nonetheless.

韩栋/Han Dong our actually very pretty Prince9 in BBJX will be the hottest XuZhu EVER.  He’ll be the only bright spot.  And I’ve heard multiple times many dearies will be watching this solely for him (and also the fact he’s quite possibly the only watchable thing other than the horses and the snow). His features are so well constructed for periods it’ll survive baldness. However, let me take the DuanYu is blandest and most boring of the 3 main guys back, it’s always been XuZhu, however he’s the better actor of the three, so maybe for once I’ll be watching a DGSD for XuZhu?  Han Dong is squarely in the league of bit actors way more gorgeous than the leads so underrated underutilized it hurts.  I’m glad he’s getting a lot more work lately, even in duds, a leading role is a leading role.  But let me ask a serious question, why is Han Dong apparently the go-to guy for wuxia monks?  It’ll be interesting to say the least seeing him playing XuZhu the pure as snow innocent vs the rapist sex-addict monk Tian Boguang in Yu mama’s Swordsman aka NOT!SmilingProudWanderer.

宗峰岩 is…feh.  He’s been around playing forgettable, mostly sleazies since forever, and even when he wasn’t he could never be mistaken for any upright model of a hero which a 慕容复MUST look like.  Mr. Murong is half of the most respected young hero duo at the onset (the other half is QiaoFeng up north no less).  He’s a regular/muse of PD Lai, no one is surprised he’s here.  The kicker:  word is (sth so uncanon) he’ll be OTP with Miss Wang.  So yup DY is available, just another winkwink this will be slash and more unnecessary slash maybe 3 way slash or in-slash(incest slash)….It is not funny anymore.

Ah Zi and Ah Zhu will be played by the same actress.  I do not know a thing about the actress, but it’ll take SERIOUS chops to pull off playing one of the most sympathized damsel and the yuckiest sillyb*tch with the same face.  So creative! Ah Zi (literally Miss Purple in Chinese) is draped in head to toe purple, I’m calling Ah Zhu (Miss Red) will be in RED.  Oh but serious has no business here, has it?! *On the right is a real look for AhZhu. Yup.  No one can make this kinda shit up. *

张馨予 is of Ron Ng’s high profile ex’s fame.  She played the foxy concubine in Dragon Gate.  She is a bit (or a lot) young to play an older evil seductress Kang Min when we have a 40 yo looking Qiao Feng.

丁春秋 is a scumbag, a minor character, confirmed to be played by 姜大衛 (John Chiang) fresh off his hypocrite baddie in PD Lai’s MagicBlade, *sigh* he used to play every wuxia hero back in the day, and also Pharmacist Huang (Huang Rong’s eccentric genius dad).  But the rumor list above falsely pitched Nic Tse playing the role.  NIC TSE?!?!??! playing a villain who is more stupid than scary and have forgettable screen time?!  When his dad Patrick Tse played the best Daddy Duan crown Prince of Dali in the 1982 version,  and Nic looks identical to him at the same age?!  I’m LOLLLLLLFOREVER. But also this is so my feel:

天山童姥 is a female Benjamin Button with wuxia voodoo, pretty, but since she apprenticed some evil wuxia skills wrong she’s stuck in a 6yo body forever, ie a tiny cute-looking demoness.  And haha rumor is we have the statuesquely vapid Lin ChiLing playing her. MUAHAHAHAHHA

And, and who is rumored to be playing KKB’s DuanYu’s debonair womanizer extraordinaire Daddy here?  *ROFLMAO@@!$@#%%#&* Ron Ng.  Ron NG who looks like Wallace’s younger bro by a few yrs will be playing a 16 yr senior to, get this, Wallace’s QF.  lolz, who’s coming up with this list, oh you are so FUNNY and creative and ME WANT!  And frankly we don’t need any more humor attached to this production as is, but your list will so push this over to the PERFECT wuxia Monty Python territory.

Zhang Shuang 郑爽 the hottest C idol cutie may be the only decent cast in a befitting role (IF she’s really attached) playing 木婉清, she’ll have hot romping with DuanYu.  She won’t hold a chance if compared to the MUCH better actress 蔣欣 in arguably the best production of DGSD2003, but she’ll do.

HAHAHA and the rest is, even more…… I can’t.

Ron Ng is rumored to be ‘playing’ ANOTHER character 耶律洪基, the emperor of Liao.  I guess the sweetheart coming up with this list used to be a Ron Ng fangirl but is maybe no more and she insists he plays not one but 2 senior royal members.  The thought behind must be, she wants to see for real Ron rolling in the sheets/hay with as many actresses as possible, and more cheekily with his ex.  The other genius idea will be for the bromance between emperor of Liao and QF, ie Ron and Wallace fanfics material.

Both 曾轶可 and 李宇春 are idol singer competition winners, both of them are insanely popular because of their androgynous image.   Both can’t act a lick even if the character is virtually identical to their persona.  HAHAHA and one of them is going to be 钟灵 (cute feisty babysis of Duan Yu), the other will be Daddy Duan’s legal wife 刀白凤.  It doesn’t matter which one of them is playing whom (IF it’s true). They look almost identical to me.

This pic of 李宇春/Li YuChuan is floating around these few days, and most bewildering me she’s been in so many periods/wuxias, so why no joining this party as well?!?!? ( this is fr Guillotine) :

IF I’m ever morbidly mental enough to watch this, it’ll be because I have complete faith it’ll be so retarded and lulzworthy and remote from any semblance of the original work (which is in my top 3 LouisCha, btw).  Frankly from every bit of news leaking of the production, exactly the case per course.  EXACTLY.

Two thumbs up, way up from our PD Lai and our Prince Charming of SW middle kingdom of Dali, circa 1000AD. Duan Yu  must be dressing up as King Shahryār for Halloween if they were celebrating back then?!  Coz WHY ELSE?!?

And at the other end of the studio, Wallace is brooding, or sleeping while standing up with his eyes wide opened and his aluminum foil-made metallic pet bird flopped on his head for some dazzle in the midst of the dead animal razzle down-under.

Another bewildering rave in C drama/movieland is the White Hair Demoness story.  There was just a Nic Wu unwatchable PoS done with its run, now there is a much talked about movie adaptation in the heat of filming.  BUT this time, I’m so interested to see even if just for the pretty:

【3D《白发魔女传之明月天国》最新阵容传闻】导演:张之亮 监制:黄建新 编剧:康桥、王冰 主演:黄晓明、范冰冰、赵文卓、王学兵、李欣汝、薛剑 客串:严宽、谢霆锋 艺术指导:徐克 动作导演:董玮 摄影指导:林国华 美术指导:叶锦添 投资规模:一亿 开机时间:2012年11月2日 拍摄周期:五个月

Fan BingBing will be white hair demoness (YES!!!) One thing I have to credit Writer Liang YuSheng is although I’m not a fan of his storytelling and a lot of his heroes and meandering plotlines, there are some kickass feminists in his heroines (unlike LouisCha who has a fetish with pretty vacant vases).  I love her on screen, the right combo of enough talent with out of this world gorgeousness and as far as I know dripping sex appeal no straight men can deny.  She can make it work like a Brigitte Lin.  And her OTP?  Huang freaken XiaoMing!!!!!!!!!!!! See I have a love hate relationship with HfXM, I was so taken by him when he’s a newbie playing supporting young princes.  Mr. #1 Heartthrob (it’s on his wiki) is surprisingly making good use of himself as a supporting role in The Message, I also loved his cameo in Love in the Puff 2.  However, he’s so swarmy and oozing sleaze no matter what character he’s playing when he’s in a big deal lead role.  Zhuo Yi Hang, the guy in White Haired Demoness, is so supporting male nerd to our strong heroine, I think it may work wonders.  There are also rumored cameo appearances of  Yan Kuan and Nic Tse (which sounds much more convincing than whatever the freck is going on with DGSD2013)  This is touted as a $100 million RMB production.   It looks gorgeous already from very limited fansnaps:

ETA: HXM has broken a bone (leg/foot) on the set and is rushed to the hospital.  T_T Speedy recovery!
ETA2: YuZheng’s Swordsman trailer is out!

hmmm.  It’s not as bad as I would expect, esp the very beginning seconds.  The snow is GORG, scenery looks neat. BUT comes all the wuxia, and any hint on the story it’s a spastic hot mess. lots of poking of swords, lots of blood letting, lots of fantasy shit, lots of HOWLING and everyone down to kids are SCREAMING!!!!  I can’t follow what’s going on at all when I read the book at least every other yr 2/3 of my life.  And did Wallace’s LHC said, ‘Miss DongFan, you will forever be in my heart…’

??!?!??????????????  Wallace is sooo inane as LHC, there’s one pose he did that is so horribly vacuous I did lol…in tears.

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6 thoughts on “Wuxias Trololoing

    1. oh dearie, check out the Swordsman trailer and tell me what u think.

      The DGSD looks even worst than YuZheng’s SPW fanfic of a lunatic ie YZ. My only hope is that Samson Lai (the ‘mastermind behind DGSD2013) is just the greatest prankster on earth and this is all but an elaborate ‘Boo! JK!!!!!’

      1. The whole show seems very cartoonish…plus I admit I have a lot of strong feelings on removing the political context of XAJH (like, wtf?). I enjoy Wallace Huo but he’s always come off as a rather bland actor, idk how he’ll do as LHC and I’m allergic to YSS.

        Anyway the ~new~ wu xia touted by all the producers these days suck.

        1. It is. This is obviously just cruising on the LC brandname and what’s truly sad is it doesn’t matter too much, this will bring in the ratings and YuZheng is surely playing a cunning game of how low he can scoop, spinning up ALL the bad publicity and naysayers coz hatewatching is STILL warm bodies on the seat at home.

  1. I love your hilarious review of the upcoming wuxia flicks!
    Thanks for sharing the funny pics and production tidbits (:
    They were highly entertaining and really made my day!

    Gosh you’ve really got to hand it to the tremendously talented c-fans to serve up the best scoops, though I reckon deep in their bones (mine included) every chinese is terribly proud of their chinese heritage and culture and therefore it’s blasphemy that the chinese PDs are turning such great works of fiction/literature into a huge joke!

    Nonetheless these so called PDs still need a lesson or two from the c-fans in their art direction and what not. Seriously the c-fan’s photoshopped/brushstroked pic of DY and WYY is so so much nicer than the real deal! It’s like the entire wardrobe and casting departments need to be replaced ASAP for being allowed to produce such farcical characters!

    1. At this point, I’ve honestly given up I’ll ever live to see a bloody true to original and able to translate to the screen convincingly wuxia adapt EVER. We have a few close, some better this way or the other but STILL we are just making do. *sigh* And it does pain me tremendously on peeps judging the original on these miserable ‘reinterpretations’ on screen. When I saw LoTR in theater (though I’m not the biggest fan of the book, I only liked Hobbits), it impressed me most what a wonderful tribute to the novel, there is labor of love poured all over it, not just bottomline-minded. And my second thought was HOW I wish we have someone was talented, dedicated and serious a fanboy to do LouisCha justice.

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